When Intent and Impact Don’t Align

As leaders, mentors, and professionals, we often pride ourselves on our ability to communicate clearly, to inspire, and to lead with integrity. But what happens when our words land in a way we never intended? What happens when something meant in jest, or goodwill, is received as hurtful, diminishing, or even disempowering?

Recently, I had a moment that stopped me in my tracks. To an individual that I richly admire, I made a written comment, meant to be lighthearted, that was received very differently than I had intended. The response I got was thoughtful, courageous, and deeply honest. It was a reminder to me, that in leadership, what we say matters far less than what is “heard”. And when we find that our words have caused harm, intentional or not, we must be willing to listen, to own it, and to grow.

A Leadership Truth: Intent Does Not Erase Impact

It’s easy to get defensive when someone tells us that something we said made them uncomfortable. We may think:
“But I didn’t mean it that way.”
“I was just joking.”
“They’re overreacting.”

But the truth is, intent does not erase impact. If someone tells us they were hurt, dismissed, or devalued by something we said, we have two choices:
1. Dismiss their feelings, and stand by our intent.
2. Acknowledge their experience, reflect, and grow from it.

As conscious leaders, the choice should be obvious.

The Weight of Words: What We Say Reflects What We Value

Whether we mean to or not, our words shape the dynamics of trust, respect, and equity in our relationships. As mentors, colleagues, and leaders, we are responsible for creating environments where people feel valued for who they are, not just for how they appear, where they come from, or what category they fit into.

Even well-intentioned comments can carry unintended weight. And in today’s world, where so many people are fighting to be seen and heard for their contributions, not their demographics, our words matter more than ever.

When Called In, Not Called Out: A Lesson in Leadership

I was indeed fortunate. The person I impacted didn’t walk away. They didn’t shame me, or cut ties. Instead, they leaned into the discomfort, and had a real conversation. They called me in, not out.

That is leadership. That is courage. That is growth.

And it is our responsibility, especially as mentors and those who hold influence, to meet that kind of honesty with the same level of courage. Not to deny. Not to justify. But to listen, reflect, and do better.

Moving Forward: Leadership Through Humility

What can we all take from this?

Pause Before You Speak – Ask yourself: “How might this be received?” “Would I say this to someone in a different context?”
Listen Without Defensiveness – When someone expresses discomfort, resist the urge to explain away their feelings. Just listen.
Own Your Words – If your words land wrong, acknowledge it. A simple “I see how that hurt you. I’m sorry, and I appreciate you telling me” goes a long way.
Commit to Growth – One conversation won’t define us, but our response to it will. When we know better, we must do better.

Leadership is About More Than Guidance, It’s About Growth

True leadership is not just about guiding others. It’s about growing alongside them. It’s about creating relationships rooted in mutual respect, trust, and the willingness to acknowledge when we fall short.

We all get it wrong sometimes. But the leaders who stand apart, the ones who truly make a difference, are the ones willing to face those moments with grace, humility, and the unwavering commitment to do better.

Let’s choose that path. Let’s lead with intention and awareness.

After all, leadership isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being willing to learn.

Have you ever had a moment where your words landed differently than you intended? How did you respond? Let’s talk about it.

I’d love to hear your insights!

Let’s Keep Talking!

Peter Comrie
Co-Founder and Human Capital Specialist at Full Spectrum Leadership Inc.
Reach out to me at peter@fullspectrumleadership.com

Or connect with me here to book a call!

Reach me on Linkedin; https://www.linkedin.com/in/petercomrie/

We can also chat on Bluesky: @petercomrie.bsky.social

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